SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE – Help improve the scenery: “Keep it modest, girlfriend.”
Hey, lady… yeah, you. The one in front of Jimmie and me in the grocery store line last Saturday morning who kept bending over your cart and exposing the top half of your sagging middle-age body clear down to your bellybutton for all the world to see.
And while I’m at it, I might as well tell you, those shorts you had on weren’t providing a lot of coverage, either.
I hate to be the one to break it to you, but you’re getting up in years now, and if you want to look good, dressing appropriately is more critical than ever. A two-sizes-too-small outfit from the junior department on a woman your age isn’t sexy, cute or any other remotely appealing adjective I can think of. And the twelve bangle bracelets and jar lid-size hoop earrings did nothing to enhance the view.
In fact, all the bling only made matters worse, drawing attention to someone making a supreme effort to appear half her age and half her size, and failing on both counts. Sometimes, trying too hard to appear younger than you really are only makes matters worse.
Now if your goal was to draw male attention, you succeeded admirably. I first noticed you when my husband murmured in my ear, “Oh, my goodness, would you look at that,” in an incredulous tone of voice. I glanced up to be confronted by a distasteful, overly-revealing display of not-so-toned flesh.
I turned away just in time to see a look of horror cross the cute, clean-cut teenage male cashier’s face as he beheld body parts flopping every which way but loose at the outer edges of your garments. It was a sight somebody his age should never have to see.
I could be wrong, but I’m guessing “grossed out” is not the kind of attention you were after.
So do us all a favor: The next time you start to leave home, take a critical look in the mirror and ask yourself, “Is anything resembling breasts or buttocks hanging out of the top or bottom of my clothing?” If the answer to that question is “yes,” then we, the people you are bound to encounter in public, beg you to return to your closet and find something with a bit more coverage to wear.
It’s one thing to see personal body parts of a certain age overexposed poolside or at the beach – and that’s bad enough, though somewhat more excusable. But it’s quite another to see them jiggling unfettered through Walmart.
And yes, I know we women are supposed to love our bodies no matter how imperfect they may be. I’m just asking that you love yours a little more privately. Keep it modest, girlfriend. I don’t care to look at my own sags and cellulite, much less yours. And I’m betting a lot of other people feel the same way I do.
Email June Mathews at firstname.lastname@example.org