By David Carroll
A few years ago, I wrote a column about folks who get on our nerves. Like the people who lean in too close to talk after they’ve gulped down a jalapeno burger with extra onions.
Oh, and the ones who park illegally in handicapped spaces, and those rascals who leave their shopping cart wherever they choose.
Plus the ones who make a left turn long after the green arrow goes away. Their time is more important than yours.
Maybe it’s the grouchy pandemic hermit in me, but now seems like a good time to call out a few more of the folks who make us crazy.
Let’s start with the people who interrupt the cashier during your transaction to ask for directions to Ohio.
Also, people who play their music incredibly loud, while riding around with their windows down. I don’t have a bass-thumping car stereo, but if I did, I’d drown ‘em out with some Barry Manilow.
People who “discipline” their children by pointing to a police officer and saying, “If you don’t act right, I’m going to give you to that cop. He’ll put you in jail.”
People who clog up a grocery aisle by chatting with their long-lost friend Ethel, and catching up on the last thirty years.
People who loudly blow their nose in a restaurant, usually aimed toward my casserole.
People who use foul language in public, especially on the phone. “He said WHAT to you? Well, I don’t take that $#*% from nobody!” (Bonus penalty points for those who do this on speaker, often in a doctor’s office, or in a public bathroom stall)
People whose underwear is showing. It’s not called “outer wear.”
People who hold up the checkout line by saying, “Oh wait. I have to go the car and get my wallet.” They do realize they came inside to buy something, right?
People who say, “No offense, but…” when they are obviously about to offend you. As in, “No offense Henry, but you outgrew them overalls when you was 12.”
Cashiers who comment on the contents of your shopping cart. “Man, look at all those goodies. When’s the party?” Um, at my house, this is called “supper.”
Dog owners who think it’s cute when their precious hound leaps up to sniff your crotch.
People who walk toward you, just blabbing away. When you respond, you realize they’re speaking into their Bluetooth device. Even scarier, sometimes they’re just talking.
People who think it is okay to touch a woman’s stomach and then say, “Girl, you’re about to pop! Got twins in there?” (Double the penalty if the woman is not pregnant.)
People who have a crack problem. One solution: wear longer shirts.
People who burp (or make other bodily function sounds) in public. It’s one thing if you can’t help it. But some people smile afterward as if they’ve won a gold medal.
People who over-share on Facebook. Yes, we love to see pics of your new puppy. But we don’t want to see your ingrown toenail, your fever blister, or your surgery scar.
People who look at your plate and say, “You’re not really going to eat all that, are you?”
Retail workers who carry on a conversation with each other, while totally ignoring you. I want to say, “Should I return at a more convenient time?”
People who take a dog outside to “do their business,” and get impatient. They think that if they plead their case in baby talk, the dog will suddenly respond, “Oh, why didn’t you just say so?”
People who rudely object when airport security workers ask them to follow the rules that keep us safe. The nerve of those TSA people, trying to prevent bombings and disasters, right?
People who conduct their business on a Zoom call in a restaurant. I don’t want to hear some Bill Gates wanna-be five tables away negotiating the price of his next big buyout.
People who reply to a text or an email with the letter “K.” Does it really require that much additional energy to type “OK?”
Bank tellers who ask if you have big plans for your money after making a sizable deposit or withdrawal. Yes, and let’s talk about it loud enough for everyone in line to hear.
People who seem to have time to record video of a fight, or a similar incident without making any effort to help defuse the situation.
People who find a way to make EVERYTHING political. “Man, we had way too much rain this week.” “Yep, you can thank (Trump/Biden) for that!”
People who drop their disposable face mask on the ground in the parking lot, about five feet from a garbage can.
And finally, newspaper columnists who just whine all the time. Hey, I resemble that remark!
(David Carroll is a Chattanooga TV news anchor and radio host. You may follow him at ChattanoogaRadioTV.com, or contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org or at 900 Whitehall Road, Chattanooga, TN 37405)