By Sean Dietrich, Sean of the South
Commentary
“Hello. Thank you for calling customer service, website support,” says the woman’s voice, with a pronounced foreign accent. “How may I help you today?”
Sean Dietrich (Photo courtesy of seandietrich.com)
“Yeah, hi, I have an issue with my website. It’s not working.”
The sound of a keyboard tapping. “What seems to be the issue, sir?”
“My website. Like I said. It’s not working.”
“I see. And are you having a problem with your website, sir?”
“Yes, I just told you.”
“Describe this problem to me, please, in great detail?”
“Okay. None of my blog subscribers are receiving my blog post via email when I send the post out. Ergo, my website isn’t working.”
“Ergo?”
“That’s right. I think it’s a Latin word.”
“I don’t know this word, ‘ergo,’ sir. How do you spell it?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Will you hold please?”
“No, I will not hold. I was just on hold, waiting for forty-one minutes to talk to you, I don’t want to hold agai—”
Hold music.
Ten minutes pass.
“Hello,” says the foreign voice, “and thank you for your patience, sir, we are experiencing an unusually high call volume, but your call is important to us. What seems to be the problem today?”
“I already told you what the problem was, remember? My blog post? It’s not going out via email?”
“I do not remember you, sir.”
“I was the one who used the Latin word.”
“Ah, yes. How can I help you?”
“I just told you, my blog isn’t working. None of my subscribers are receiving my blog post?”
Keyboard tapping. “Let me see what I can find out on my end, sir. Thank you for your patience.” More keyboard tapping. “Are you having a nice day?”
“Don’t make small talk with me. Please.”
“I’m sorry, sir? ‘Small talk?’”
“That’s right. I know you couldn’t care less how my day is going, so don’t pretend by making small talk.”
“What is this ‘small talk’?”
“It’s an English expression. It means talk that is meaningless. It’s like asking someone how their day is going, or asking, ‘Hey, how’s the weather?’”
“Oh, the weather is fine here in Mumbai, sir. Very, very beautiful. We’ve had temperatures in the high seventies.”
“No, I wasn’t asking how your weather was, I was just saying that…”
“I am wearing shorts right now. In fact, I am not wearing any shoes. My feet are bare, and I am sweating. That is how warm it is.”
“I wasn’t asking how warm it is in Mumbai, I was only telling you that…”
“I wish they would let us have fans in here, because I am sweating like a, how you say, a cat.”
“It’s ‘sweating like a dog.’ Not cat.”
“They are the same thing, no?”
“No, they are not.”
“They aren’t?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Are you going to help me with my website or not?”
“Would you be so kind as to describe to me what your website problem is, sir?”
“I’ve already told you. Twice now. None of my blog subscribers are receiving my blog posts.”
“Hmmmm. Very disconcerting. Would you hold, please?”
“No, for the love of Saban, I will NOT hold, I have been on hold for almost half an—”
Hold music.
Fifteen minutes pass.
“Hello,” says the foreign voice, “thank you for your patience, your call is paramountly important to us, how may I assist you today?”
“Are you serious? I’ve described my website problem to you, like, three times now.”
“Please, sir. Tell me how I may aid in your troubles.”
“My website. Something’s wrong. Whenever I make a blog post, none of my blog subscribers are receiving it. Therefore, my website is not working. This is ridiculous.”
“What is this ‘therefore,’ sir?”
“What?”
“I do not recognize this word, ‘therefore.’”
“It means: ‘so.’ Which means: ‘for this reason.’ Or: ‘to such extent.’”
“Interesting, I have never heard this word, ‘therefore.’”
“Well, now you can’t say that anymore. Are you going to help me with my website issues?”
“Website? What seems to be the trouble today, sir?”
“I just told you. None of my subscribers to my blog are receiving my posts via email, and I don’t know what to do. You people host my website. You people are in control. I was calling you, because back in the olden days, when America still gave a crap about each other, whenever a product didn’t work, you called customer support, and they actually helped you out, and they spoke actual English. And that’s what I was hoping for. I was hoping for actual customer service. I need help right now. I don’t want small talk. I don’t want to give English lessons. I want you to do your job and help me.”
“Hmmmm. I see. Can you hold, please, sir?”
“Do NOT put me on hold, or I swear to God, I will—”
Hold music.
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Sean Dietrich (Photo courtesy of seandietrich.com)
Sean of the South: Customer Service
By Sean Dietrich, Sean of the South
Commentary
“Hello. Thank you for calling customer service, website support,” says the woman’s voice, with a pronounced foreign accent. “How may I help you today?”
Sean Dietrich (Photo courtesy of seandietrich.com)
“Yeah, hi, I have an issue with my website. It’s not working.”
The sound of a keyboard tapping. “What seems to be the issue, sir?”
“My website. Like I said. It’s not working.”
“I see. And are you having a problem with your website, sir?”
“Yes, I just told you.”
“Describe this problem to me, please, in great detail?”
“Okay. None of my blog subscribers are receiving my blog post via email when I send the post out. Ergo, my website isn’t working.”
“Ergo?”
“That’s right. I think it’s a Latin word.”
“I don’t know this word, ‘ergo,’ sir. How do you spell it?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Will you hold please?”
“No, I will not hold. I was just on hold, waiting for forty-one minutes to talk to you, I don’t want to hold agai—”
Hold music.
Ten minutes pass.
“Hello,” says the foreign voice, “and thank you for your patience, sir, we are experiencing an unusually high call volume, but your call is important to us. What seems to be the problem today?”
“I already told you what the problem was, remember? My blog post? It’s not going out via email?”
“I do not remember you, sir.”
“I was the one who used the Latin word.”
“Ah, yes. How can I help you?”
“I just told you, my blog isn’t working. None of my subscribers are receiving my blog post?”
Keyboard tapping. “Let me see what I can find out on my end, sir. Thank you for your patience.” More keyboard tapping. “Are you having a nice day?”
“Don’t make small talk with me. Please.”
“I’m sorry, sir? ‘Small talk?’”
“That’s right. I know you couldn’t care less how my day is going, so don’t pretend by making small talk.”
“What is this ‘small talk’?”
“It’s an English expression. It means talk that is meaningless. It’s like asking someone how their day is going, or asking, ‘Hey, how’s the weather?’”
“Oh, the weather is fine here in Mumbai, sir. Very, very beautiful. We’ve had temperatures in the high seventies.”
“No, I wasn’t asking how your weather was, I was just saying that…”
“I am wearing shorts right now. In fact, I am not wearing any shoes. My feet are bare, and I am sweating. That is how warm it is.”
“I wasn’t asking how warm it is in Mumbai, I was only telling you that…”
“I wish they would let us have fans in here, because I am sweating like a, how you say, a cat.”
“It’s ‘sweating like a dog.’ Not cat.”
“They are the same thing, no?”
“No, they are not.”
“They aren’t?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure. Are you going to help me with my website or not?”
“Would you be so kind as to describe to me what your website problem is, sir?”
“I’ve already told you. Twice now. None of my blog subscribers are receiving my blog posts.”
“Hmmmm. Very disconcerting. Would you hold, please?”
“No, for the love of Saban, I will NOT hold, I have been on hold for almost half an—”
Hold music.
Fifteen minutes pass.
“Hello,” says the foreign voice, “thank you for your patience, your call is paramountly important to us, how may I assist you today?”
“Are you serious? I’ve described my website problem to you, like, three times now.”
“Please, sir. Tell me how I may aid in your troubles.”
“My website. Something’s wrong. Whenever I make a blog post, none of my blog subscribers are receiving it. Therefore, my website is not working. This is ridiculous.”
“What is this ‘therefore,’ sir?”
“What?”
“I do not recognize this word, ‘therefore.’”
“It means: ‘so.’ Which means: ‘for this reason.’ Or: ‘to such extent.’”
“Interesting, I have never heard this word, ‘therefore.’”
“Well, now you can’t say that anymore. Are you going to help me with my website issues?”
“Website? What seems to be the trouble today, sir?”
“I just told you. None of my subscribers to my blog are receiving my posts via email, and I don’t know what to do. You people host my website. You people are in control. I was calling you, because back in the olden days, when America still gave a crap about each other, whenever a product didn’t work, you called customer support, and they actually helped you out, and they spoke actual English. And that’s what I was hoping for. I was hoping for actual customer service. I need help right now. I don’t want small talk. I don’t want to give English lessons. I want you to do your job and help me.”
“Hmmmm. I see. Can you hold, please, sir?”
“Do NOT put me on hold, or I swear to God, I will—”
Hold music.