By: Joe Hobby
From: Joe Hobby
To: Ken Lass
Re: Congratulations!
Ken, I just wanted to reach out and publicly congratulate you on your two Trussville People’s Choice Awards. Wow. Best Column and Best Author is certainly something you should be very proud of. And you won them both – isn’t that a wonderful coincidence? Since we are pretty much the only two columnists in Trussville, you basically beat me. Don’t take this the wrong way – I’m not bitter. Never mind that my wife forced me to write this. Never mind that your years as a “celebrity” on the local news probably had a big influence on the voters. Never mind that you are a member at The First Baptist Church of Trussville which has about a half million members who almost certainly voted for you. I know that people do tend to side with their own. As for me, I’m a good Methodist and couldn’t even get the entire Methodist vote with the problems we’ve had lately. Besides, Methodists are tired of voting on anything right now.
Everyone seems to know you in this town. Last week, when my waitress in a downtown Trussville restaurant asked me why I was typing on my phone, I told her I was working on an article since I’m the Tribune’s top columnist.
She stared at me for a moment and said, “Hmmm. You don’t look like Ken Lass.”
I said, “And you don’t look like you’re gonna get a tip.”
But I’m not bitter.
I’m sure you know I’m just stating the facts. And I do acknowledge that at some level, your syrupy sweet columns that belong on the Hallmark Channel must have some appeal with somebody. Bless your heart.
Not to nitpick, but I did notice that you didn’t even show up at Trussville Baptist when I spoke to the Senior Citizens group last spring. I had genuinely hoped for a face-to-face meeting. I’m sure you would have enjoyed seeing me get a standing ovation. Some people can write and perform, you know.
Well, there’s always next year, at least that’s what my close personal friend Jay Leno said to me when we talked today. Of course, maybe I can get a award from one of the many newspapers and magazines that I appear in throughout the south. If not, I won’t be bitter. I understand that you are Trussville’s Golden Boy.
Oh, one final thing. I did want you to know that I did hire an attorney who will contact the Trussville Tribune concerning a vote recount because of alleged illegal ballot stuffing. In fact, the results have probably already been subpoenaed. Please don’t worry; I’m doing this for you because I don’t want there to be any doubt about the validity of your victories, no matter how suspicious things seem. In the event there are any irregularities, (no matter how small), we will certainly be in touch. I know what you’re thinking; there’s no need to thank me.
Take care, God Bless. Oh, and in case you don’t know, I love your writing, typos and all.
Best wishes,
Joe Hobby
PS – for those of you who believe all this, I’ve got some cheap real estate on
Highway 11 that I want to sell you.